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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Udderly Ridiculous


Sung to the tune of "The Way It Is" by Bruce Hornsby 
and inspired by the cow-costumed milk shoplifter

The Ballad of Jonathan Payton
(parody by Claire Perkins)

I'm down in the WalMart wasting time
Standing in the checkout line
(My God, I hate this store)
When a man in a cow suit strolls on by
Twenty-six milk jugs and a gleam in his eye
Just for fun he walks right out the door

Well that's just the way it is
Some cows are very strange
Claims there's no milk at home
But I don't believe him

They said, hey little cow you can't go
Stealin' milk that way
You gotta pay like they do
Was it your plan, you silly man
To get away
Did you really think about it
Before you broke the rules
He said, Look

This is the way it is
There ain't no milk at home
Udderly empty fridge
But I don't believe him

Well they passed a law in '64
To give guys who shoplift a little more
Than a slap on the rump
Cause the law won't change another's mind
Unless we brand all their big behinds
We'll have milk stampedes in the stores

And that's just the way it is
Some cows are very strange
Claim there's no milk at home
But don't you believe them

Monday, May 2, 2011

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead (reflection on the death of Bin Laden)

The celebration I'm seeing about the death of Bin Laden puts me in mind of the opening scene when Dorothy lands in Oz and all the little Munchkins burst into song: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead / Which Old Witch? / The Wicked Witch

Trouble is, the death of the witch was only the beginning of Dorothy's adventure. There was, of course, another witch to deal with. And her flying monkey minions, too. And in the end, those were only momentary distractions within Dorothy's larger journey of discovering that all her fears/questions/answers/powers were within HER all along.

We've given Bin Laden WAY too much credit and the politico/media have spun him into a single-handed villain the likes of which we've not seen since Darth Vader. But I mix my movie metaphors.

There are a number of problems with this spin, not the least of which being that politico/media spin rarely holds more than the tiniest grain of truth. Did Bin Laden really single-handedly mastermind 9/11? Or was he the mastermind in the same way that Iraq was stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction?

Of course, it IS quite convenient to have a single person to hang the entire terrorist scenario upon. Now that we've got him, we can just pack up and get all our troops out of all those other places, right? If the Bin Laden/Wicked Witch delusion is all it takes to bring our troops home, then I am all for believing, believe me!

Alas, there are all those Arab nations with all that black gold, and we ARE in the midst of an oil crisis after all. I'm sure there will be plenty of new spin to keep us embroiled in foreign wars until kingdom come. (Which, by the way, IS the agenda of some - the hurrying up of Kingdom Come - but that's an apocalyptic horse of a different color.)

Meanwhile, the witch is dead and all we little Munchkins can dance and sing in the golden paved streets. Oh, wait, the potholed asphalt streets, but close enough. We ARE, after all, in the midst of an economic crisis so there's not much gold to be had. But dance and sing we will, for the witch is dead.

But as we dance, let's not forget that we'll need to avoid all those flying monkeys who answer to another witch, a witch who is really, really pissed about the death of her sister and who would really, really like to get her hands on our ruby slippers. What's a Munchkin to do?

Hmmm. Perhaps all we really need is a Wonderful Wizard who can fix all these pesky problems like Global Warming, Economic Meltdown, Brainless/Heartless Politicians, terrorism and FEAR. Yes, let's not forget about FEAR. Oh, silly me. Not to worry! If the politico/media has any say, they'll NEVER let us forget about FEAR.

Soon enough, the dancing and singing will wind down and we'll all once again be tugging on our own tails and shouting out, "Who did that?! Who's there?!"

Unless and until we finally realize that wisdom, courage, compassion and peace are all inside jobs. All together now, click your heels . . .